How to spot a NARCISSIST

How to navigate a narcissistic relationship with a partner, friend, boss or family member.

You may have had a di icult relationship where you felt like you were walking on eggshells in the past or maybe you’re in one now. If it’s a partner, did they initially sweep you o your feet when you met and give you scripted Mills and Boon-type lines that you completely fell for? Is a colleague or boss taking credit for your work at the o ice? And how are you feeling at home, in the o ice or generally?

If you’re feeling isolated, second-guessing yourself and doubting your own sanity you may be dealing with someone with narcissistic traits.

Perhaps this has been going on for a while and over this time parts of yourself have been gradually stripped away. This was the experience for Karen Haig, who was in a narcissistic relationship for five years in her 30s. Working with a counsellor/coach has helped her come out the other side. Now in her 50s, she’s begun to talk more openly about narcissistic abuse and has discovered many others are su ering from the e ects of it. “Most people don’t find out they’ve been with a narcissist until it’s too late,” she says. “It can have such a devastating impact on people’s lives.”

Five per cent of the population in New Zealand are a ected by narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) and there are di erent sub-types of narcissism so it can look di erent person to person. Someone also has to meet a certain threshold of severity to be clinically diagnosed, explains registered clinical psychologist Gaynor Parkin from Umbrella Wellbeing.

“Narcissistic personality disorder is at the extreme end of the continuum and then there will be people... who are on that continuum with many traits of narcissism, like being very focused on themselves and not being very good at being empathetic.”

PERSONALITY TYPES

It’s helpful to know where the concept of narcissism comes from says Rob Paramo, registered psychologist. “In Greek mythology

Narcissus was a male nymph famous around town for his good looks. He had a strong propensity to reject everybody that gave him any attention and when he caught a glimpse of himself in a pool of water, he fell in love with himself and developed this pure obsession, was unable to pull himself away and fawned over himself until he died,” he says. “The concept of narcissism in modern psychology is that sort of unhealthy self-obsession and inflated self-worth… A person with NPD has a pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration and lack of empathy for those around them.”

There are two types of NPD – grandiose and vulnerable. Narcissus no doubt su ered from grandiose, also known as overt, narcissism – he was the type who fantasise about success and power, aspiring to greatness. They’re prone to anger when not getting praised, but not prone to depression or anxiety.

Vulnerable narcissism is an emotionally unstable, negativea ect-laden, and introverted variant, and vulnerable narcissists are prone to depression and anxiety when not getting praised. Self-absorbed, jealous of high-flying others and easily humiliated, the vulnerable narcissist avoids challenge if there’s a chance of failure or not looking good.

“Don’t blame yourself for being ensnared by a narcissist... they were most likely attracted by the light in you because you represent all the things that they are not.”